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Parenting: Unconditional Love

rabbifink — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 18:28:14 +0000

Parenting has been on my mind lately.

Earlier today I posted about Kim Clijsters and the sacrifices of working mothers.

It must be the impending Rosh Hashana that is influencing these thoughts of parents and children.

Parenting is tough job. There are no vacations. There is no financial remuneration. It is oftentimes thankless.

Also we are so clueless as to how to parent. Babies don’t come with a handy manual or set of instructions. The questions all parents have are endless.

To punish or not? When to compliment? To be honest with our children about their shortcomings? I always think about Simon Cowell asking some terrible “singer” if anyone ever told them that they are just not talented. And then they cut to that parents telling their kid how great they are. No one wants to be that parent.

There was a very popular article in the NY Times about parenting this week. The article explains, based on a study by 2 Israeli researchers, that conditional love can be just as harmful to children as punishment. Meaning, when a parent only doles out love for their child when the child performs as the parent expects the affect on the child is the same as punishing the child when the parent disapproves of the child’s behavior. The child may accomplish more, but will ultimately feel resentment, anxiety and feel unhappy.

The proper way to love one’s children is unconditionally.

Love is not a tool that we wield to bend the child into submission. Every child needs the love of its parents. Always.

This is a message we can take into Rosh Hashana. It is true that it is a day of judgment and that can give us reason to pause and be fearful of our verdict. There is a Judge and there is judgment.

We have one saving grace. The Judge is our Father.

The relationship that we have with God is the same as the relationship that a parent has with a child. Unconditional love.

When it comes to our moment of judgment in the heavenly court we know that we are unconditionally loved by our Father in Heaven no matter how far we may strayed from His path. Just remember that our Father is waiting for us with a warm embrace.

Children that feel unconditionally loved have less problems feeling accepted later in life. Unconditional love is the greatest gift a parent can provide for their children. Sometimes it may seem hard when children frustrate us.

A great video has been circling the internet the last couple of days.

The video really illustrates what I have been saying in this post. Even when our children frustrate us, we must love them unconditionally. Even if we “frustrate” God, He has a warm embrace for us. He is our father.

The father in this video looks like he is about to get frustrated with his daughter. Then he embraces her.

Perfect imagery for this post. Enjoy.

Two side points:

1 – Great catch by the day. Just wow. I am impressed. As they say in Baltimore – “Give that fan a contract!”.

2 – She threw the ball back on the field because the Phillies fans throw the ball back whenever a non-Phillies player hits a home run. She saw this and copied. Kids see all. And they copy what their parents do. Keep that in mind.

Brett Favre, Treason and Teshuva

rabbifink — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 17:17:17 +0000

This week’s big sports news involved my favorite athlete to hate, Brett Favre.

I mentioned Favre a while back in a post about immaturity and athletes. Back then, I was contrasting the complimentary way in which Favre is recognized for his youthful exuberance and the way athletes who act immaturely and hold out for money or take PEDs are lambasted. (Read all about it here.)

I dislike Favre, but it is not really his fault. ESPN makes me hate Favre with over-reporting and unprofessional, blatant favoritism and flattery of Favre. It is just impossible to like a guy who is in the news that much.

For others, the hatred toward Favre is due to his “treachery”. To illustrate I have some photos for you.

You see, to most people the “real” Brett Favre is the one on left. He is wearing a Green Bay Packers jersey. Favre became a superstar in Green Bay and carried the franchise for a decade and half. Then he retired.

Retirement did not suit Favre well and he came out of retirement and was traded to the New York Jets, that is the middle picture. The Jets had to guarantee they would not parlay Favre to the hated Minnesota Vikings, lest they suffer a tremendous penalty. The season started well for Favre and his Jets, but the season was derailed and injury forced Favre into retirement, again.

In February 2009, Favre unequivocally stated that he will stay retired this time.

In June 2009, Favre expressed interest in returning to the NFL once again, this time as a Minnesota Viking. After flirting with the idea, Favre clearly expressed that he was not returning to the NFL and he was staying retired.

Yesterday, Favre signed a 2 year deal with the Vikings. That is the picture on the right.

To Packers fans this was treason. Like a Hatfield becoming a McCoy, a Montague becoming a Capulet or a Jet becoming a Shark, this was perfidy.

Packers fans are burning Favre jerseys in effigy for his mutiny.

Is it reasonable for an athlete or even a fan to think that treachery is possible in sports? How is this normal? Are sports so powerful that it becomes like a religion, a marriage or nationalism that is so important that if one changes teams it is treason?

Seriously. People take sports way too seriously. I enjoy sports, I follow sports and I watch a lot of sports. Don’t think for one second that I treat it like a religion. In fact I can prove it. I am a sports polygamist (see here for definition and the opposing point of view). I like a few teams in every sport. People look at me in horror when I explain to them that I like 2 NFL teams equally. Or that I follow 7 or 8 baseball teams. They don’t “accept me” as a real fan. “You can only root for one team” they say. Says who? Is it like religion where you need to choose? Is it like marriage, one wife or husband per person?

Favre sees through those “sports as religion” fanatics. Favre sees it as a game, as a business and as entertainment, and that is exactly what it is. He wants to play, he is going to play and he doesn’t care for whom.

There can only be treason when something is so important and vital that reneging on that thing is harmful. Sports are not in that category.

Another example of placing too much meaning in sports comes up in the Performance Enhancing Drugs in basbeall argumnent. You will hear critics say that the PEDs besmirch the sanctity of the game. Is there anything more self contradictory than “sanctity of a game”?!?! The whole is that is it is a game! An escape from sanctity! Sanctity is part of religion, not baseball. Sports are a game, entertainment. There is no sanctity and there is no treason.

But there are things that have sanctity and there is treason. As a Rabbi, I think it is supremely important for everyone to develop a theology that they believe in strongly. That belief should be strongly enough that reneging on that belief would be treacherous. We should constantly reevaluate our position,and perhaps treason is the right decision at some point, ala Raoul Wallenberg. The point is that we should find things in our life that we believe with conviction. We need an understanding of what is right and what is wrong, what is true and what is false.

As I heard many times from Rabbi Motti Berger, “Truth is something worth dying for and in some cases, worth killing for”. What is that truth?

Tonight is the first day of Elul. the last month of the Jewish calendar. That means judgment day is just a month away. It is high time to kick into gear and work out our true beliefs. Only when we know what we are willing to die for can we begin to live for something.

Manny Being Manny | Some 'Gladwellian' Insight

rabbifink — Sun, 12 Jul 2009 21:35:49 +0000

This is Manny. Manny Ramirez.

Believe it or not, Manny is one of the greatest right handed hitters in Baseball history. He is also a 2 time World Series Champion and 1 time World Series MVP. Manny was also recently suspended from baseball for 50 games for violating the league’s Substance Abuse Policy when he tested positive for a substance used to hide performance enhancing drug use.

In other words, he cheated. And yet, he is adored and loved, cheered and ballyhooed. Why?

You don’t need to be a baseball fan to continue reading.

The public’s reaction is more confusing when juxtaposed with the public reaction to other substance abusers.

Barry Bonds (nothing has ever been proved), Roger Clemens, Mark McGuire, Rafael Palmeiro, Sammy Sosa are other big names in baseball who are hated and booed wherever they go for their cheating. What gives?

Why are we so nice to Manny and so mean to everyone else who cheated?

One of my favorite authors is Malcolm Gladwell. Previously, I have had quite a few Gladwell posts (check those out) on this blog. This is another.

In “Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking” (which I highly recommend and you can purchase here) Gladwell compares Doctors who get sued for malpractice and Doctors who do not get sued for malpractice for the same exact types of misdiagnosis or poor treatment. Gladwell found that doctors who do not get sued have one common thread.

They are liked.

Gladwell found that patients who could sue for malpractice would not sue if they liked the doctor. They would say “He is such a nice man, I could never sue him”. In fact my wife’s grandmother has a cause of action against a doctor of hers and she says (insert Holocaust survivor European accent) “Oh, I could never sue him, he a wonderful doctor”. I asked her if he is so wonderful how did he screw up so bad? She says “oh, it was a mistake, he tried his best”. You could still sue you know… “Oh, I could never…”.

And so it is in life. People who are liked sometimes get a pass. People who are disliked are criticized at every turn. Barry Bonds is ornery and cantankerous, Roger Clemens is conceited and condescending, Sammy Sosa is disingenuous and a fraud and Manny Ramirez is a self deprecating, fun loving, caricature of himself.

When Manny makes a mistake, we can forgive him because he is such a great guy. Manny jokes about himself. Manny apologizes. Manny is lovable and that’s why we can forgive him.

Gladwell hits another home run.

The message for us is simple and easy to see. Being nice and friendly to others can go a long way. When people act positively toward one another their flaws are hidden. We don’t notice or care about the other person’s deficiencies as much when they are nice.

We all want to be liked. We all want to be appreciated. A smile, a hello, a friendly guesture or act of kindness goes a very long way to helping others see the best in us.

There is something we can learn from Manny. (No, it is not okay to cheat). We can learn that a good disposition can make a big difference in how people look at us. Let’s try and make the world a friendlier place. Let’s try and help others see the best in us.

In this respect – let’s be a little more like Manny.