Pacific Jewish Center | Rabbi » love

Loveless Marriages Can Be Valuable

rabbifink — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 07:01:11 +0000

Last week an orthodox Jewish woman posted the following on Reddit.com:

I am a lesbian marrying a gay man. We are out to each other and our closest friends. We both grew up in religious, traditional communities so we decided this was best for us. We both travel a lot so we are able to “explore” outside of the marriage. Ask away…

Edit: we are doing this to stay connected to our community and our traditional (Orthodox Jewish) families.

Edit: to be clear, we are both seeing other people outside our relationship. We are out to close friends. I came out to my parents a while ago so technically they know but think that I have “changed”.

There are over 1100 comments on the post as I type these words. They are worth seeing.

This couple’s story is not as unique as one might think. In the summer there was an article in Time Magazine about a rabbi who arranged similar marriages between homosexual members of the opposite gender.

Gay activists have been known to find this kind of arrangement backward, regressive and bigoted. They argue that gay people should be able to marry other gay people. And why stay in a community that shuns your sexuality?

Orthodox Jews have also been known to find this arrangement objectionable as well. The common orthodox Jewish objection is usually formulated along the lines of “they should just not be gay” or something like that.

I think both arguments are flawed. There is something important that can be learned from these arrangements. It speaks to the fundamental difference between the secular view of marriage and the orthodox Jewish view of marriage.

The secular view of marriage is mostly about love and intimacy. When the love one has for one’s significant other rises to the level that warrants commitment, marriage is the logical choice. Viewed in this light, without love what is the point of marriage. Marriage is a validation of the relationship. And if the relationship is missing love and intimacy then there is little point to the union.

In the end, many secular marriages end up being loveless and without intimacy. Some survive for the sake of kids or because divorce is taboo. But they have little utility when the spark is gone. So divorce is a wise, if not the only choice.

In general, this speaks to an overall secular attitude that places intimacy and love above nearly all other values. After all, all you need is love.

On the other hand, in orthodox Judaism, marriage is about much more than love and intimacy. It could even be argued that love and intimacy are of the least important aspects to a marriage. Arranged marriages, short dating periods and short engagements result in many wonderful marriages. Marriage is about raising a family, being part of a community, creating an environment that promotes personal growth and healthy self-sacrifice. Part of all that includes intimacy and love. A good loving environment will help further greater goals.

But in the absence of love and intimacy there can still be monumental value in marriage. Even without love and intimacy, as long as there is no strife or abuse, there could be real valuable reasons to stay in the marriage. Divorce can be a reasonable choice. But I don’t think it is the only reasonable choice.

In light of this, raising a traditional family, staying in one’s community with one’s family and forgoing the supposed love and intimacy of marriage could be a reasonable choice in an orthodox Jewish environment.

I am not saying that I condone these marriages and arrangements nor do I think that I would recommend them. But I do think that these arrangements indicate something lofty about the goals and ideals of marriage in the orthodox Jewish world. It is much more than love and intimacy and in fact, it could work without those things. It could work very well.

And for the sake of these daring trailblazers I hope it does.

Links: Reddit.com, Time

HT: @Azigra

A Refreshing Perspective on Parenting

rabbifink — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 16:27:48 +0000

Last year, Amy Chua’s Tiger Mom philosophy and book made for a lot of great discussion. (It all went down during my blogcation Things I Would Have Blogged About in the Last Ten Days If I Were a Real Blogger) but didn’t include in that post because I thought I was going to blog about it anyway. I didn’t.)

Chua’s book (Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother) is all about pushing your children to the limit. Expecting the most from them and demanding excellence in everything that they do. Allegedly. I have not read it. But I did read about 25 articles talking about the book.

To me it all sounding very similar to [stereotypical] Jewish parenting techniques as well. Push your children, guilt them if they don’t perform, give them every opportunity to find their special talent, put trophies on the mantel, etc. In fact, Chua is married to a Jewish man.

My thoughts at the time of the book’s release and articles were complicated, but the overall feeling I had was that there was not enough unconditional love in her parenting. Children need love as much as they need discipline. The world can be a tough place. Children depend on their parents for the confidence to thrive and knowing they are loved is an indispensable tool toward success. It seemed Chua’s parenting placed a premium on everything but unconditional love.

Now, a passionate, heartfelt, moving op-ed in the NY Times provides some perspective.

A mother of a baby with Tay-Sachs disease writes about parenting a child who will not live past the age of three. Of particular interest to Jewish families because the child has Tay-Sachs, a disease that has very high frequency in the Ahskenazik Jewish community that has been mostly quashed by screening, this mother is Irish and the screening that she went through for diseases including Tay-Sachs came back negative.

So she is parenting a baby who will not take music lessons, karate, play soccer, apply to college or do anything remarkable that a Tiger Mom would hang on her Wall of Fame. And the contrast is stark.

It is all love, no discipline, no competition and no Mommy and Me. I think we all can learn from this Dragon Mom and not forget that as much as we want our children to excel, they want our love.

Read the article. I expect it will make you cry. It did for me.

Link: NY Times

Tell Someone You Love Them

rabbifink — Fri, 28 Jan 2011 16:30:40 +0000

Background: A soldier in Afghanistan called a woman whom he thought was his girlfriend. He left her a very sweet, brutally honest message. The problem was that he called the wrong person. It sounds funny. It sounds like a Seinfeld or Curb Your Enthusiasm premise. But it’s real. And it’s heartrending.

I cried when I heard it and it reminded me to tell those who are closest to me how much I care about them.

I hope it does the same for you.

And of course, if you know who the soldier or the girlfriend are, please help them find each other…

Link: Telegraph

An American Idol Contestant With a Huge Heart

rabbifink — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 01:11:36 +0000

This clip was sent my way and I’ve got to admit it is amazing.

American Idol Season ~46,281 is underway and the most memorable moment so far has certainly been the Pants on the Ground phenomena. If you have seen or heard of it – you MUST go here right now and watch it (come back quick).

But as funny and entertaining as Larry Platt was, a different contestant said something that really struck a cord within me. That contestant was Lloyd Thomas.

It must take a certain level of confidence and narcisism to audition for American Idol. You need to promote yourself and sing in front of famous people as well as hope for a chance to sing in front of thousands more. That is not to mention the millions watching at home on TV and then reviewing it all on YouTube the next day!

And it stand to reason that most contestants that make it through to the next round are appreciative of the opportunity. Yet, most often they talk about how well they are going to do in the next round and try and endear themselves to the audience in case they make it really far.

Lloyd Thomas said something completely different. Watch the video below for the full quote. But in short, he made it through to the next round and said one of the sweetest things I have ever heard.

“I wish you could all taste what I taste right now”.

In his moment of triumph, in his moment of victory he was thinking about others. In the moment that most people would use for self promotion, he used it for sharing his love for people.

It certainly gave me pause. When we are successful do we think to ourselves – I hope everyone else can feel this feeling of success? It certainly is not intuitive. But I must thank Lloyd Thomas for teaching me how to enjoy success.

Thanks Lloyd. And good luck!

You made a fan out of me…

Can't We All Just Get Along?

rabbifink — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 01:12:31 +0000

Photo: Flickr/cortniedee.

A few days ago a photo was posted on Twitter by the NBA. Somehow, this photo has been on my mind since I saw it.

In sports, two teams oppose each other under the pretense that they are enemies. Their fans may even dislike one another, (see Celtics / Lakers, Yankees / Red Sox, UNC / Duke, etc,) but in the end, athletes are mostly friendly with each other. Even when athletes get upset or physical with one another, they can remain friends (see Kobe Bryant and Ron Artest).

In the real world, people have a harder time getting along. People divide along political lines, religious lines and country lines.

The natural state of people is almost to be at odds with one another. Peace is not just the lack of war. Peace is the active interrelation of two entities in harmonious activity. The opposite of peace is not war, it is merely lack of working together. It is pretty easy for two entities to ignore each other, but that is not peace. Peace is working together. Yet, peace remains so elusive on a grand scale and an individual scale.

This is something that is really hard for me. I honestly (perhaps naively) believe that almost all friction and disagreement is a result of misunderstanding and miscommunication. At our core, we know how to get along but the reality of society and our environment confuses us into discord. Maybe I am wrong, but this what I believe.

That is why seeing this photo was so stirring. It was a photo that showed that when the context changes, when our environment is different, peace is so easy. Sports provides the context for enemies to befriend one another.

Are there two greater enemies in the world today than Israel and Iran?

And yet, below you will see a photo of the best Israeli basketball player, who is now playing for the Sacramento Kings, Omri Casspi and the best Iranian basketball player, playing for the Memphis Grizzlies, Hamed Haddadi. They look like the best of friends. Yet, in their home countries people are dying for their causes in defiance of the opposing cause…

Photo: Getty Images

It is my fervent wish and prayer that we can find peace. Not just peace between nations with differences, but personal peace within ourselves and within our relationships and communities.

Just think of this photo the next time you are about to pass judgment or prolong a disagreement. We can all get along, we can all be a part of peace, we can all unite under the banner of the human race and be tolerant of whoever we encounter.

Tolerance. Love. Peace.

Please.

That's What I Call Ambition

rabbifink — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 05:01:57 +0000

When we are in Venice for Shabbos we stay at wonderful, little, extended stay hotel on the boardwalk called Su Casa. They try and give us an Ocean View Room. It is great to have the ocean view, but not as much for the ocean view as for the “boardwalk” view.

You see, Venice Boardwalk is like Mardi Gras every weekend. (See picture to the left.) Street performers, vendors and drunkards line the boardwalk and thousands and thousands of tourists and natives walk back forth as they hawk their wares.

Rami loves the people watching and I must admit, it can be quite addictive!

Today we saw, by far, the most ambitious sales pitch on the boardwalk. We were sitting down to lunch with the windows ajar and we heard the following declaration from the boardwalk.

“Get your sand here! The very best California sand, just 50 cents! Hand picked sand here! Why walk 5 more feet to the beach when you can get your own handful of sand right here for 50 cents!”

So we went to the window to check it out. It was two teenage boys with a lot of spare time and a great sense of humor. They were just being funny, but they actually kept it up for a few hours. They tried to sell sand to every one who passed them by. Some people gave them a few tips and I think they ended up with a couple dollars.

But it got me thinking. How often are we looking for something and we are willing to make an effort to get it, yet it is right there in front of us. Imagine someone actually bought the sand they were selling. They could just walk 5 feet and get it for free!

I think that sometimes people are looking for things in exotic places and very often what they are looking for is right in front of them. Certainly happiness is this way. People travel to the far corners of the earth in search of happiness. But happiness is right there in front of them. Happiness is a choice.

Love is the same way. People look so hard to find love. But we can always love. Everyone we know can benefit from our love. Our families yearn for our love and to love us back. Again, it is right here in front of us.

Even business opportunities can be the same way. We look and look, but very often, our best opportunities are the ones we already have.

We would never buy sand on the Venice Boardwalk. Let’s always look at what we have before we look for what we think we do not have…

Put Your Heart Into It | A Guest Post

rabbifink — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 03:41:54 +0000

A guest post by Rabbi Aaron Fink (my father), Dean of Ateres Bais Yaakov on Monsey NY. Part of a weekly Dvar Torah (Torah “Thought”) series.

Lev Tahor, A Pure Heart

So often understudied, the final parsha in the Torah is as its name implies filled with bracha. In his final words, Moshe Rabbeinu offers us the gift of nitzchiyus.

Indeed, included in his closing blessing to his beloved people are the essential words with which we begin and define the paradigm for our chinuch Habanim, Torah tziva lanu Moshe, morasha kehillas Yaakov! All we must do is follow the lessons contained therein. The entire corpus of Torah is ours. We must treat it, study it and live it as a treasure. As such, we conclude the Torah and start it right over again. We celebrate simchas Torah – the joy of Torah. Although much of the blessing and guidance are found overtly in the text, there are many yesodos that are found only by reading between the lines. One incredible insight is derived from not only looking between the lines but by analyzing the first and last letters of the Torah.

We all know that the Torah begins with the letter “bais” (Bereishis). V’zos Habracha concludes with the letter “lamed” (Yisrael) The combination of these two letter spell lev, which means heart. Our chachamim teach us that it is not enough to know Torah; we must feel it – it must be our love. Hashem Yisborach hides this message in the cycle of Torah learning. As we conclude the Torah and begin anew we must give it our heart. Only then will we truly shteig.

However, an even deeper insight was once offered by Rav Yaakov Greenwald, shlita. He noted an interesting anomaly. There are three letters which are used to spell out Hashem Yisborach’s name. They are “yud,” “hay” and “vav.” He asked, which letters of the alef bais can form a two letter word by combining with each letter in the Shem Hashem? The gimmel cannot at all – (gi, gah, go). The daled cannot. While it can form the word daay, there is no word dah or do. Zayin can form two words zeh, and zo but there is no word zey, (zayin yud). This is true of almost the entire alef-bais except for two letters.

In fact, only two letters of the aleph-bais can form words with all three of the letters of the Shem Hashem, the lamed (li, lah, lo) and the bais( bi, bah, bo). The message is profound. The only way to be fully misdabeik with the Shechina is with the heart. This is why we daven v’taher libeinu lavdicha bemes. Yes, to achieve divekus, to become one with the Almighty we need heart. Let us give it to Hashem Yisborach, unconditionally. In so doing we will merit to fully feel and appreciate that His ahava rabba is truly an ahavas olam.

Parenting: Unconditional Love

rabbifink — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 18:28:14 +0000

Parenting has been on my mind lately.

Earlier today I posted about Kim Clijsters and the sacrifices of working mothers.

It must be the impending Rosh Hashana that is influencing these thoughts of parents and children.

Parenting is tough job. There are no vacations. There is no financial remuneration. It is oftentimes thankless.

Also we are so clueless as to how to parent. Babies don’t come with a handy manual or set of instructions. The questions all parents have are endless.

To punish or not? When to compliment? To be honest with our children about their shortcomings? I always think about Simon Cowell asking some terrible “singer” if anyone ever told them that they are just not talented. And then they cut to that parents telling their kid how great they are. No one wants to be that parent.

There was a very popular article in the NY Times about parenting this week. The article explains, based on a study by 2 Israeli researchers, that conditional love can be just as harmful to children as punishment. Meaning, when a parent only doles out love for their child when the child performs as the parent expects the affect on the child is the same as punishing the child when the parent disapproves of the child’s behavior. The child may accomplish more, but will ultimately feel resentment, anxiety and feel unhappy.

The proper way to love one’s children is unconditionally.

Love is not a tool that we wield to bend the child into submission. Every child needs the love of its parents. Always.

This is a message we can take into Rosh Hashana. It is true that it is a day of judgment and that can give us reason to pause and be fearful of our verdict. There is a Judge and there is judgment.

We have one saving grace. The Judge is our Father.

The relationship that we have with God is the same as the relationship that a parent has with a child. Unconditional love.

When it comes to our moment of judgment in the heavenly court we know that we are unconditionally loved by our Father in Heaven no matter how far we may strayed from His path. Just remember that our Father is waiting for us with a warm embrace.

Children that feel unconditionally loved have less problems feeling accepted later in life. Unconditional love is the greatest gift a parent can provide for their children. Sometimes it may seem hard when children frustrate us.

A great video has been circling the internet the last couple of days.

The video really illustrates what I have been saying in this post. Even when our children frustrate us, we must love them unconditionally. Even if we “frustrate” God, He has a warm embrace for us. He is our father.

The father in this video looks like he is about to get frustrated with his daughter. Then he embraces her.

Perfect imagery for this post. Enjoy.

Two side points:

1 – Great catch by the day. Just wow. I am impressed. As they say in Baltimore – “Give that fan a contract!”.

2 – She threw the ball back on the field because the Phillies fans throw the ball back whenever a non-Phillies player hits a home run. She saw this and copied. Kids see all. And they copy what their parents do. Keep that in mind.

A Post Stained With Tears | Moish Gluck Of Blessed Memory

rabbifink — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 19:03:21 +0000

I have not been to a lot of funerals in my life. I have been blessed.

Yesterday evening my family celebrated Sheva Brachos for a cousin in my parents home. It was a joyous occasion.

Immediately following its conclusion, I walked the 200 feet from my parent’s home to the neighborhood shul. At about 11:00 PM a very moving funeral began.

The juxtaposition of these two events and the nature of the deceased brought tremendous emotion. What follows is an attempt to do those feelings justice in writing.

When I was 12 my family moved to a fledgling Monsey community, our sole neighbors up the block were the Glucks.

Blessed with wonderful children, the Glucks were proud and humble people. Performing anonymous kindnesses was a hallmark of their lives.

Unfortunately, tragedy struck a few short years ago when Mrs. Gluck was taken from this world. The tragedy shook up the neighborhood. It was one the my parent’s first contemporaries death and it was painful for everyone.

The Glucks were resilient. They bounced back. The children were successful in achieving their goals and Mr. Gluck, Moish (George) Gluck remarries.

Yesterday, tragedy struck again. Driving home from work, Moish Gluck suffered a fatal heart attack, literally yards away from his home.

The pain is indescribable. Four surviving children under 30. The oldest was my classmate. The youngest my sister’s age. A recently married widow. A community still reeling from the untimely departure of Mrs. Gluck, now struck again is left to help repair their torn hearts and help the family pick up the pieces.

Listening to the youngest Gluck eulogize his father last night was one of the most emotionally difficult moments of my life. The cracking in his voice, coupled with his eloquent words were too much for me to bear. I cried. Tears were streaming down my face. It was the first time I have cried freely at a funeral in my life.

I, as countless others, my father included, owe Moish Gluck tremendous gratitude for a variety of things. In my case, the gratitude I have for Moish Gluck directly correlates to my profession as a Rabbi and a teacher. The mere fact that you are reading this post, is somewhat due to Moish Gluck.

Moish Gluck was my first employer. As a 12 year old neighborhood kid, Moish Gluck gave me my first opportunity to teach. Their eldest son needed someone to study Mishna with him. I was asked, and given a fair remuneration for my time.

I will never forget preparing for those sessions. Teaching Torah to the boy who was just 3 years my junior, was my first taste of the joys of teaching, and I will never forget that. I will never forget the smile on the boy’s parents faces when they gave me my monthly stipend. I will never forget the encouragement that Moish Gluck gave me, in the face of my first challenge to teach.

It must have been a good experience as since then I have been teaching in many capacities. As a Campus Rabbi, as a High School adviser for Yeshiva Students and Public School Students, and now as the Rabbi of the Pacific Jewish Center I draw upon my first moments as a teacher. All directly caused by a man whose friends and neighbors will all miss, Moish Gluck.

If this post were on paper and the words written in ink, my tears would stain the paper instead of falling onto the desk from where I type.

Let us remember to cherish the ones we love. Let us enjoy each second we spend with the people we care for most. Let us not waste the opportunities we have for love and friendship.

It was too difficult for my ears to hear a loving son pine for one more moment with his precious father. If we have those moments let us treasure them.

May the Lord comfort us amongst the mourners of Zion.

Don't Be A Hater

rabbifink — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 23:51:21 +0000

Here is a video for you.

Those who know me personally will attest that I am not a card carrying member of the “Woe is us, anti-anti-semitism” club. However, I did recently blog about tolerance and therefore this video clip is relevant. I do not endorse any comments made by the person who posted this video on You Tube. The only reason I am posting this video is to illustrate that Hate exists. Hate is ugly and Hate needs to stop.

I make these comments to address those who may hate me or us from outside of Judaism and equally to my Jewish brethren. We have enough people who hate us, we can’t afford any discord amongst ourselves. We have too much in common to focus on the differences. When you watch this video I think you should consider if there is too much hate in your life. If there is too much hate – you gotta get rid of it.

Try this mantra: “Don’t be a hater”.

It may help…

Video is below.

<a href="http://youtube.com/watch?v=QBF-1uc-SYc&eurl">http://youtube.com/watch?v=QBF-1uc-SYc&eurl</a>

This is in America, in Chicago. What do you think is going on in Europe and the Middle East?

Jew-kipedia and Tolerance

rabbifink — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 23:55:37 +0000

Last week I was checking out Wikipedia and I was browsing the “Main Page”. You can always find an article by searching Wikipedia but you can also browse interesting tidbits on Main Page. Sections like “On this day” and “Did you know” display linked Wikipedia articles for your enjoyment. This page changes frequently, at least several times per day.

At the precise moment that I was looking at the page I saw this:

As you can see, there are 8 bullet points. Three of the eight articles directly relate to something Jewish. That is a very high percentage (38%).

The Jewish population is estimated at around 13 million. The world population is at around 6.8 billion. Some quick math puts the Jewish world population at just under .2%.

The sampling of those Wikipedia articles is way disproportionate to the number of Jewish people in the world. Maybe we should just call it Jew-kipedia.

It is not surprising though. There have been 180 Jewish Nobel Prize winners (that’s a lot) and we have been around for a long time. The impact the Jewish people have had on the world has been the topic of many books. Perhaps the best of those books is “A History of the Jews” by Paul Johnson who is a scholar on Christianity.

What is somewhat troublesome however is the still rampant anti-semitism that exists. The Jewish population is so small yet still garners hatred and disdain from so many. It’s 2009 people, time to move on! This article is particularly troubling. 31% of Euros think that the Jewish people are responsible for the economic crisis! How is that even possible? Where do they come up with this stuff?

If you need more and you’re a glutton for punishment, then read this article.

Really, all you need to do is a google search for “Jew”.

Our world has progressed so much and yet we remain so backwards in so many ways. One word that needs to be taught and emphasized over and over again is tolerance.

Within the Jewish community we are just as guilty of this. We need to be tolerant of each other and our various customs as well. We have to find the common ground between us. Harmony and love will bring our world to a better place. Divisiveness and scorn certainly won’t.

Say it: Tolerance, tolerance, tolerance.

Now do it: Tolerate, tolerate, tolerate.